The waiting is over...for now

Isaac and I have been talking a lot over the past few days, I am happy that he has started remembering more, each day a new bit comes back to him.  Some times he doesn't even realize it, this is great progress.  We are starting to be more and more like we were, this is a good thing.  It is nice that I am less of a stranger to him, I know that sounds odd, because even with everything, I never was a stranger, but it is nice that he is feeling more familiar with me.  The jokes are more comfortable, and he knows he can tease me to no end and I won't get upset with him.  I know one day soon all of this will be a distant memory and he will know everything again.  Late at night, when I miss him most, I know that he is looking at the same moon as I am, I just wonder if he is alone.  I can drive myself crazy thinking all of these things, which for the most part are just in my head, I know he is alone in bed, just as I am.  I know he doesn't think of those things too, he chosen not to.  I don't blame him, I just wish I could be that secure with everything.  I never was.  And sadly, I probably never will be.  I would love to have that quality.  As I am writing this now, we are on Y messenger, nothing has been said between us for about 15 minutes or so, but it's ok, just knowing he is there is a comfort to me. We have been through much together, this is just another speed bump in our journey.  I am counting the days until I get to see him, to touch him, just to know he is real,  it just seems so far away.  I can't bear it some days, I just want to scream. Sometimes I think I am screaming, just that no one can hear me.  Maybe I am, on the inside.  I want to blame all of this on myself, this whole ordeal, he wouldn't have leave if it wasn't for me, me and my stupidity.  Trying to get someone jealous never works girls, trust me, it never works.  My heart will remain forever his, now what I have to do is see how long it takes for him to come home and reclaim it.

The waiting game

It all boils down to waiting.....waiting for him to come online for an hour for a precious chat or maybe a peek on webcam, or waiting for the right time to call.  It is all about waiting.  Today I waited with my phone, anxious for the sound of an incoming IM, the sound never came.  This is typical, we can go a week without talking, it is nothing new, it doesn't mean that I like it.  In fact, I hate it.  When you are so far apart, some times, you can't help but think negatively, that he is with someone else, when probably he isn't.  That is one thing that we have always been honest about, if someone is seeing another person.  He hasn't for a long time, actually since long before he left.  Me on the other hand, well, I hate the loneliness.  This is the first time that I have actually admitted that.  There was a time about 3 years ago that we were in limbo, were we going to be together or not, we both were dating other people, I know, it is dumb.  I started dating P, why, well, mostly to hopefully get Isaac to wake up.  I wanted him to see I was the one he was supposed to be with.  That backfired miserably.  He said he wished I didn't date him, which I should have taken as a cue and that was it.  I dated P anyhow, I guess I figured Isaac would plead with me to not see anyone else.  It is a just a long drawn out story, it didn't end well for either of us.  Isaac wound up deciding to leave and I hurt P in the long run.  And I still wound up alone.  We have decided recently that we are in fact going to be together when he comes back home, yes, this is his home, not Ecuador anymore, not in my eyes.  It will still be awhile, he is not well right now, so figure another 8-10 months before he can travel.  And in the mean time a lot is on my shoulders, I need to find us a house, I have to plan a life, and when the time gets closer, a wedding.  I never thought I could miss someone so much.  I have started listening to some of the music he likes, in a way it makes me feel close to him.  Some of the song are hauntingly beautiful and I tear up, thinking he is singing to me.  Soon he will be.  He is an amazing guitar player and he does sing to me.  He sings love songs in Spanish, I still can remember the first time he did like it was yesterday.  When I met him I was in such a dark sad place.  I was pregnant and all alone, he was like a knight in shining armor, he still is to me.  He made that one of the best times of my life.  He treated me like a china  doll, was afraid to let me do anything, it was so cute.  No one had ever treated me like that before, and no one has since.  He shares my love of tattoos and encourages me to get them, everyone has always tried to discourage me, not him, he wants me to be myself.  I never had to put up a front, and I could tell him anything without fear of being judged.  Yes, I have friends like that now, but not like him, no matter what it is, how silly, or how bad.  I know, I am making him out to sound like some God, he's not, he is just a great man that I am very lucky to have in my life.  He is my best friend, my soul mate, my missing puzzle piece.

NJ to Ecuador

Why do we do the things we do?  Why do we fall in love with the person we are with?  Why does a chance meeting sometimes change the path of your life forever?  I ask myself these things often lately.  I think the one question that I will never be able to answer is why do I stick around?  Honestly, some days I don't know why I stick around.  Before I get to that, let me introduce myself, my name is Darlene, I live in NJ, I have 3 kids, I am a full time student and I am stuck on someone.  His name is Isaac, right now he is in Ecuador, this is his native country, we met while he was living in NJ, many years ago.  I loved him from the moment I met him, and even though the paths in our lives have gone to different places, he is still the love of my life, my soul mate and my best friend.  My youngest son is his, more or less, he is not the biological father, but he might as well be.  He has been there since I was 4 months pregnant, was there when the baby was born, the only father he knows, the only man who deserves to have such an amazing little boy.  My boy calls him Papa Bear.  His biological father wants nothing to do with him, which is fine with me, he does not deserve to be in his life.  When he is older he will know the truth, but this is fine for now.  Why Isaac left is another story for another blog.....since he has been gone, we have never been closer and our love has never been stronger.  We have a silent understanding that if either of us wants to date someone, we will, but we also know that when he comes back at the end of the year, we will be together.  Oh I am sure some of you are shaking your heads on this one and I get it, it is just how we are.  He gets me and I get him, it is perfect this way.  This is just my ploy to keep you coming back to read more :) Input from others who have had long distance love is welcome also, I hope you enjoy this little peek into my world and my heart.

Darlene