The waiting game

It all boils down to waiting.....waiting for him to come online for an hour for a precious chat or maybe a peek on webcam, or waiting for the right time to call.  It is all about waiting.  Today I waited with my phone, anxious for the sound of an incoming IM, the sound never came.  This is typical, we can go a week without talking, it is nothing new, it doesn't mean that I like it.  In fact, I hate it.  When you are so far apart, some times, you can't help but think negatively, that he is with someone else, when probably he isn't.  That is one thing that we have always been honest about, if someone is seeing another person.  He hasn't for a long time, actually since long before he left.  Me on the other hand, well, I hate the loneliness.  This is the first time that I have actually admitted that.  There was a time about 3 years ago that we were in limbo, were we going to be together or not, we both were dating other people, I know, it is dumb.  I started dating P, why, well, mostly to hopefully get Isaac to wake up.  I wanted him to see I was the one he was supposed to be with.  That backfired miserably.  He said he wished I didn't date him, which I should have taken as a cue and that was it.  I dated P anyhow, I guess I figured Isaac would plead with me to not see anyone else.  It is a just a long drawn out story, it didn't end well for either of us.  Isaac wound up deciding to leave and I hurt P in the long run.  And I still wound up alone.  We have decided recently that we are in fact going to be together when he comes back home, yes, this is his home, not Ecuador anymore, not in my eyes.  It will still be awhile, he is not well right now, so figure another 8-10 months before he can travel.  And in the mean time a lot is on my shoulders, I need to find us a house, I have to plan a life, and when the time gets closer, a wedding.  I never thought I could miss someone so much.  I have started listening to some of the music he likes, in a way it makes me feel close to him.  Some of the song are hauntingly beautiful and I tear up, thinking he is singing to me.  Soon he will be.  He is an amazing guitar player and he does sing to me.  He sings love songs in Spanish, I still can remember the first time he did like it was yesterday.  When I met him I was in such a dark sad place.  I was pregnant and all alone, he was like a knight in shining armor, he still is to me.  He made that one of the best times of my life.  He treated me like a china  doll, was afraid to let me do anything, it was so cute.  No one had ever treated me like that before, and no one has since.  He shares my love of tattoos and encourages me to get them, everyone has always tried to discourage me, not him, he wants me to be myself.  I never had to put up a front, and I could tell him anything without fear of being judged.  Yes, I have friends like that now, but not like him, no matter what it is, how silly, or how bad.  I know, I am making him out to sound like some God, he's not, he is just a great man that I am very lucky to have in my life.  He is my best friend, my soul mate, my missing puzzle piece.