Never a dull moment

Today started out relatively well, how it ended was another story all together.  Yesterday there was this whole big thing all day with Isaac and JJ, I am stuck in the middle by choice, I rely messages back and forth, it can be super stressful, I don't even know how I would categorize our relationship.  I have been listening to the song Space Bound by Eminem all day today, this is sort of our relationship, just how it has been the past few years.  It's like I am always doing, always extending myself, and JJ yelled at me for that the other day, he knows I am not doing well, he knows I don't take care of myself like I should.  Seems like no one these days around these parts is too concerned about me, which is fine, I never ask for sympathy and most of time if I am not feeling well I keep it to myself.  For some, when they are not feeling well, the world needs to stop, when I have a legit complaint, I get a bunch of garbage about it.  I can count the people in my life on ONE hand who truly give a shit about me.  I have been doing really well, I haven't been in a serious funk for a long time, then all of a sudden it is like the world is falling down around you, I don't get it.  I won't go into details here, but I was beat down pretty good today, so much so that I had my first anxiety attack in a year, this is a huge set back for me.  Regardless of that, when I am like this, I feel I have no one to turn to, Isaac is not here, my best friend has her own issues, so who do I turn to?  Well, I turned to 2 things, music and Joey.  Joey calmed me down, fast.  No one knows how to calm me down like that, not even Isaac.  He tends to minimize things, when sometimes I need to talk and vent, tonight was one of those nights.  I didn't even consider calling him.  I text Joey.  Kind of throws me a little that I would turn to him first when I don't know him as long or as well.  I wasn't even planning on talking to him, between the anxiety attack and my sobbing I knew I couldn't talk, but he called me before I could finish the text, wanting to know what he could do.  Not saying no one would do that for me, the ones who would are not close geographically to me, and I wanted to run away tonight.  Joey wouldn't have let me, but I wanted to, badly.  I am calm enough to put some thoughts together, but still pretty shaken.  I will be ok, I always am, this is nothing, I have been through much, much worse.  Still on a happy note, 16 classes to go until I finish my degree, I am so excited!  I am so close I can't believe it!  I seriously need to look for possible internships because when I am done with my degree I will hopefully begin the 400 hours needed for the CADC, and the only way I can get that training is if I have an internship.  This is going to make a full time job very tricky! Where there is a will there is a way right?  I have the will, I just need to find  way and a job!  Back to Eminem..so many people don't like him and I can understand why, but his last CD Recovery, wow, that is my life, we lived the same life, I think that is why I love him so much.  Addiction, abuse, loss, so much alike.  Frankly, I don't care what people think of me because I like him, I may not agree with everything he says or does, but when so many of his words hit so close to home, how can I not like him?  I need to get that CD and put it on my comp, I need to have it handy, Space Bound has seriously kept me sane today, so has I Need a Doctor, but that is more Dr. Dre's song.  Powerful lyrics though, have to love them.  So here I am, almost 1:30 AM and I am so drained that I am not even tired anymore.  I think for my birthday, which I am not officially celebrating, but, I want a present so.....anyhow, I think I am going to buy myself an IPod, a nice one, one that can like hold a gazillion songs.  Only because all of my music is on my comp and I want to be able to sit outside and take it in the bathroom with me when I do nails and all, I like having music around all the time.  It keeps me calm, I wish I was more musically inclined, I can sing a little, wish I could afford lessons, I would love to perform, oh well, another dream.  I suppose I should try to get some rest, I want to finish up my school work for the week maybe by tomorrow, so I have to get my brain rested.  Until next time......

Random Stuff

I am so glad the week is finally over, what a hellish week for me, I just couldn't get anything done, then I find myself rushing at the last minute to get things done.  Isaac and I had a pretty decent week, he is going through some stress there, but, that is life.  Right now he is with my future father-in-law in Quito, this is about 150 miles from Riobamba, it was his birthday this weekend and also the anniversary of when we met face to face.  We 'dated' for a few months before we actually met, actually it was the 3 month anniversary from when we 'met'.  I met him in NYC, we met at Times Square, we went to his house, and I spent the weekend, it was the most wonderful weekend of my life.  He cooked for me, we spent the weekend watching the World Cup, he spent the majority of the time feeling the baby kick, he was so nervous, he was terrified that I would go into labor there, lol.  I hate that he doesn't remember everything, this was such a great time for us, and he doesn't remember.  This makes me sad, but now we have new memories to make.  I am so tired I can't even think tonight, but I feel the need to write.  Our time together is always shorter than I would like, but, I make due with it.  I talk a lot to Isaac's younger brother JJ, well, he wants to be called David now, not sure why, but he will always be JJ to me.  He is still here, he could never go back to Ecuador, he is way too Americanized and frankly, I don't blame him, this is why I think we will wind up moving down south as soon as we can, a fresh start for everyone.  I really wish he was going to be here this weekend, I am having a BBQ on the 3rd, people have to work on the 5th, so I tweaked it a little.  My BF since forever Kelley and her hubby Pete are coming, as well as my friend Joey, he is the cowboy, the kids will be here, my oldest invited a friend over, not sure if my folks will be here, JJ can't come, so it will be like 10 people.  I need to be done with all of my school work by Thursday so that I can be free for the weekend, I need to shop and prep food.  I do wonder why I torture myself with stuff like this, but I do love to entertain, it makes me happy.  I am going to have to ask Joey to bring me a 12 pack of Mike's or something, lol.  Also, I am hoping the weather holds out because we will be grilling, never fails that as soon as I mention the word grill, it rains, just the way it always has been.  So Friday is bill day and hopefully grill buying day.  Did I mention that I don't actually HAVE a grill?  Minor details I know.  Then Saturday will be an early day with loads of shopping, and somehow I have to fit in a basketball game too, then baking and prepping meat for the slow cooker, yeah, I must be crazy.  And I am one of those weird people that hate when anyone else is in the kitchen with me when I cook, that really irritates me to no end.  So Sunday will be cooking, making pasta salad, tomato salad, marinading chicken breasts, getting ice together, frosting cakes, cutting watermelon, getting the table set.  I know Joey will help, I can give him watermelon cutting, I am not good at that at all, lol.  Probably will give him chicken grilling too, I am good with burgers, but chicken, not so much.  Send him to the store to get ice too, the ice maker is never working right and we will need it, there is no way that I can put 5 12 packs of soda in my fridge.  Have to make sure everyone gets the flavor they like....oh yes, I am OCD like that, lol.  Maybe I need Mike's and wine???  I will let Joey decide for me, lol.  Then last night my allergies decide to act up, so I have itchy, sticky eyes and I am sneezing all over the place, so very attractive.  So I think I will end on that note, I can feel my eyes getting swollen, I am not even sure why, I haven't been bothered so far, and my allergies are mostly in the winter, go figure.  The windows have been closed for days and I have been my usual hermit self, so this I don't get.  Maybe a call to the doctor is needed tomorrow.  Good night from itchyeyeville!

Monday blues

I find I have the blues a lot, but Mondays are the worst!  The fun of the weekend is over and I have nothing to look forward to this week, just homework, housework and bored kids.  And counting down to the next weekend.  Lucky for me, I have a great new friend to hang out with on the weekend, we keep each other company, so it is fun.  As much as I like my friend, I would much rather be spending the weekend doing fun stuff with Isaac, yes, I am blue because of him, what else is new?  I am hoping he will be home later, as much as I don't like calling the house, I am, I have to see if he is home and ok.  I have been worried about him all weekend.  Even though we were having fun, I was still thinking about him, my friend knew that too, he is very in my head, he knew I was only partially there.  I like my friend a lot, and if things were different, I would try very, very hard to be his girlfriend, but things are the way they are, and it is not possible, for either of us.  Probably never will be either.  People tell me that anything can happen, and yes, I believe that too, but he is not ready to date, and I am hopelessly in love with someone else, so why lie?  I care very much for him, and yes, I am very attracted to him, but as he tells me all the time, sex would complicate everything and we would lose out friendship.  And I am not willing to do that right now.  He is very respectful of women, so even though he has been burned, he could not just casually sleep with me, which is awesome, takes so much pressure off everything.  He allows me to be me, only one other person is like that.  I can't even be me around my family, how sad is that?  He has a dark past like I have, it is not the same, but we both have ghosts we fight daily.  I admire him, he is trying his best to make it, I wish I could say that about me.  So I find myself in a funk today....not quite sure what to do with myself, I have been listening to music most of the day, kind of just floating around, not doing too much, not wanting to eat, not wanting to sleep, just wanting to, you know, I don't even know what I want to do....run away maybe?  Doesn't sound like a bad idea, who wants to come with me??

No good news

After an anxious day of waiting, I got a video call from Isaac, it was wonderful, we don't get to do that often so today was a treat.  He looks so great to me, even though he is sick, he still is as handsome as ever.  Tomorrow he is getting admitted to the hospital for some stem cell treatments, things that are not approved here, but over there he can easily get them.  This will help reverse the liver damage he has.  Only thing is that he will not be able to leave for another 6 months, when his treatments are finished.  Six months right now seems like an eternity to me.  I need him here now more than ever.  I couldn't help but break down when we talked, I still feel like this is my fault, I know he is stubborn like me, but I still think I could have talked him out of going back there.  And now I can't even go there to be with him.  He is worried about me, he knows I need surgery and I know he wants to be here with me and trust me, I want him to be here too, but it is just not possible.  Today for the first time in a long time he called me his girl, that was the best feeling in the world.  While he was talking to me, a friend of his stopped by, a girl, so me being me, immediately I was jealous, anyhow....he made me wave and say hi, and he introduced me as his girl.  And mind you, this girl was drop dead gorgeous, I have never felt so ugly in my life, lol.  I just am floored that he is talking like we are together together, which is fine with me, trust me this is what I have wanted for a long time, just wish he was here instead of there.  Six more months....it is going to go so slow.  But how can I not wait now?  The countdown begins.

Finally!

Isaac came online today for a whole 10 minutes, but I loved every second of it!  Friday he finds out when he can travel, which is hopefully soon.  I miss him so much, I never thought I could miss someone this much.  He came online to check on me, he was worried because of my trip to the ER on Sunday, I am hoping I don't need surgery, but I will find out tomorrow.  I am going to pray really hard that he gets medical clearance to come home, we aren't supposed to be apart like this, we are supposed to be together.  When he does get home, we have a lot of planning to do, have to plan a wedding, planning on a move, all of that, I am just so incredibly excited you have no idea.  He has always belonged with me, I guess it has just taken us this long to figure it out.  There is nothing I want more than to be his wife, that is what I have wanted since we first met.  It was one of those things that I just knew, as soon as I kissed him for the first time, I knew.  I think we both needed to play the field to make sure, but now I know he is sure, and that is a great feeling.  On another note, my job search is continuing, no luck so far, but I am sure I will find something, I have been applying like crazy, both for online jobs and sending out resumes for out of the home jobs, I am sure something will pan out.  Or at least I hope it will.  I have about a month and a half before the bulk of my bill are paid off, then  I just have small stuff, Wal-Mart and one major credit card, those are the only ones I am going to be keeping.  So I will be able to keep the outgoing money to a minimum besides the usual monthly bills.  Now what I need to do is learn to not spend money, this is going to be very very hard for me, I love to shop and buy pretty things.  But now I need to be a grown up and only spend when necessary.  That is something I am so not used to, lol.  I am sure Isaac will keep me in line.  And I will end this on this thought....extreme couponing, cool show and something I need to start doing, lol.

When you need him most

What started out to be a really good weekend, ended with me in the ER.  Saturday night I was home, my friend was visiting, we had a great day hanging out together, then when he left, I decided this would be a great time to get such pain that I was doubled over.  I had been feeling a little funky on Friday afternoon, but I just figured it was cramps, nothing major.  I took a leftover pain pill Saturday night and hoped I would fall asleep, well, sleep I did, for awhile, then the puking started and the cold sweats from the pain.  It took me an hour to get dressed and go to the kitchen, and when I finally did, I asked to go to the ER.  No one was too happy about having to take me, as no one ever is, everything gets minimalized in my house, unless it is them, then it is the end of the world...but that is another story.  Turns out that once again I have an ovarian cyst, pain meds and I get sent home.  How I wanted Isaac there with me, I know he would not have blew me off, he would have taken care of me, made me feel better, just been there for me.  He did message me, but I missed it, I just had a feeling he was going to come online.  I just wanted him to be there and tell me everything was going to be ok.  I haven't gotten to talk to him yet, I want to call, I don't know.  I am supposed to be feeling better, yet I feel worse, I feel bloated and a lot of pain, woozy, not hungry, just miserable.  I can't have my follow up until Thursday, and I surely can't ask anyone to bring me back to the ER.  That would be the end of the world.  I am just so tired, I want to be away from everyone here, I want to be in my own house with my kids and my husband.  I am whining and ranting tonight, I am cranky, unhappy, frustrated, sad, in pain, just overall miserable, plus I have to go to the dentist again tomorrow, what else can go wrong?  The job hunt stinks, there is nothing out there, maybe I should pack it up and move to South America, maybe that would be the solution?  I just don't know anymore.  I probably need sleep, that would do me a world of good, if I had a comfy bed....plus I didn't even mention the work for school I still have to do, I am so behind, tomorrow I need to work my ass off to get caught up.  Nothing ever goes as expected, nothing, never....but that is the story of my life :)

And the wait is on....again

Once again I waited for him and he didn't come online, no word from him today either, I know he wasn't feeling well, but he could have called.  I guess I could have also, but I don't always want to be the one doing the chasing.  What to do.....wait I guess. Nothing else I can do.  I hate it, but what can I do?  Today the loneliness got the best of me.  It has for a few days, I think and think and think and the more I think, the more I hate the situation, but I love him, how can I deny that? I need to call him, hear his voice, but I can't tell him how I feel.  He understands, I know he does, but what is he going to say, what do I want to hear? Sure, go find someone else until I get back...as nice as it would be to get an ok from him, is that really what I want to hear?  Honestly, I don't know.  And how do I know that I won't date someone and have feelings for him?  I don't know, and frankly, it scares me.  As much as I know I love him and want to be with him, that's how much I don't know.  It makes sense in my head, trust me, lol.  I guess all I can do is wait until he gets back, date him steadily again and see how it goes.  I know God has a plan for me, I have been sure that my plan was to be with Isaac and I am still fairly certain, I just get distracted and I need to stop putting myself in situations where I can be distracted.  Distraction can be a good thing some times, but for me, it can be a dangerous thing also.  What to do, what to do...it is times like this when I wish I had a crystal ball.  Right now I am tired, in pain, physical pain, I am emotionally drained, and I am confused.  Probably the best thing for me is sleep, so I will take my own advice.

Just another day in paradise

Once again today I got to spend some precious time with Isaac, he is back home, his grandparents are doing better, he is the one who was not feeling well.  He worries me, he just gets so sick sometimes, I think he would get much better medical care here, but he doesn't have clearance from his doctor's to travel.  I think that is crap, plain and simple.  But, I am not a doctor, I am just a greedy girl who misses her man.  He got to see pictures of Jonny from graduation and some new ones of me, every time he sees a picture of me he tells me how pink my hair is, it is really cute. He likes this look on me, so I have a feeling I am going to be a red head for a very long time, lol. I have been looking into flying there, to Ecuador, but it is so expensive, even for just me and Jonny it will be about 5 grand, and I just don't have that type of money.  So I guess we will just have to wait until he gets back.  I have put the job search into over drive now too, I want more than anything to be able to leave here and go to NC.  We all could use a fresh start. At least down there we can own our own home, not have to be renters for ever.  As the days go by, I am more and more sure that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, I have no doubts anymore.  You really don't know what you have until it is gone, I had the man of my dreams.  Mind you, no I didn't leave him, but I didn't do much to encourage him to come back either.  I just know I am not going to make the same mistake I did before with him, now he is back, I am going to make sure he stays here.  We are supposed to meet tomorrow online, I had to change some plans to be able to be here, but that's alright, being with him right now is the most important thing to me.  The heart wants what the heart wants.  Today has been a long day, so I am going to turn in, I hope to be able to write more tomorrow after our 'date', fingers crossed!

Adventures at the post office

Ok....so I went to the post office today to send Isaac a cell phone I wasn't using....the love of his life(his puppy) decided to use his for a chew toy.  Me being the wonderful, sweet person I am(yeah right :p) decided to send him mine.  Not a big you think, right?  Well, it's been a long time since I have sent a package to South America, now I remember why.  Not only did the package have to be taped like it was going to China underwater, I had to fill out customs forms, seriously people?  It's a used cell phone for crying out loud!  So after 10 minutes of deciding which forms to use, I was ready to select how I was going to send it.  Ten bucks later, I am hoping he will get it in 2 weeks.  Two weeks!  I could have walked there faster, plus it would have been cheaper.  Next time I order it online and let them worry about shipping it....oy!  Now I have tonight and tomorrow to learn how to use the video camera so I can video Jonny's preschool graduation so he can see it too.  Seriously, I wanted to come home today and drown myself in a vat of margaritas.  I just felt the need to rant for a bit today, yes I know, I brought this all upon myself, which is fine, but I am still allowed to get annoyed with the situation now and then.  If I could get a passport quick, I would go there like now....spend like a month there or something.  Not only do I miss him terribly, I need a break from here too.  The job search stinks, nothing in sight, everything is on me right now.  Maybe if I felt ok I would be more ok with all of this, I don't know.  I just want to wake up one day and see him next to me, and realize it was all a dream, a very long drawn out bad dream.  No such luck though. 

When the distance gets to be too much......now what?

What do you do?  When it gets too much to bear, and you can't go one another day, now what?  Well, you write, or you cry, or you do both.  There are times when you just can't talk on the phone, besides the huge phone bills, the service is horrible, so trying to hear him is very hard, did I mention he has a fairly thick accent, so that doesn't help either.  You cherish every 5 minutes you get, you save emails and instant messenger conversations and you read them and re-read them every time you feel alone.  You make plans in your head, you cross off days on the calendar to when he comes home.  You deal with it.  Not as easy as it sounds, but you do it.  I have a definite plan in my head for when he comes back, I want to move down south, North Carolina probably.  I want to buy a house, I want to have a life away from here.....away from everyone and everything I know.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends, but I want a fresh start, go somewhere where no one knows me.  And that place is not here.  The past few weeks has been increasingly hard for me, I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of soul searching and I have come to a decision.  He is the one I want to be with, I don't want to go out on meaningless dates with guys that I really don't even like.  It has all been pointless and meaningless.  My energies need to be focused on my family, my schooling and my relationship, period.  I need to stop thinking like a single girl and start thinking like someone who is in a committed relationship with someone she is going to spend the rest of her life with.  Wow....did I really say that???  I am looking forward to planning the long overdue wedding, very long overdue!  Isaac said it right the other day, this is a new beginning for us, and he is right, we need to start with a clean slate, just like we did 6 years ago.  There are rumors about that I am going to get a ring soon, it would be nice, also a long time coming.  If it does happen, I will be so happy, all of this waiting will be worth it.  I never doubted whether it would be worth it or not, but some skeptics have, and that's all fine and good, let them, I don't have to prove anything to anyone, neither of us do.  For the first time in a long time I am really excited about the future, maybe my next blog will be wedding planning? 

The waiting is over...for now

Isaac and I have been talking a lot over the past few days, I am happy that he has started remembering more, each day a new bit comes back to him.  Some times he doesn't even realize it, this is great progress.  We are starting to be more and more like we were, this is a good thing.  It is nice that I am less of a stranger to him, I know that sounds odd, because even with everything, I never was a stranger, but it is nice that he is feeling more familiar with me.  The jokes are more comfortable, and he knows he can tease me to no end and I won't get upset with him.  I know one day soon all of this will be a distant memory and he will know everything again.  Late at night, when I miss him most, I know that he is looking at the same moon as I am, I just wonder if he is alone.  I can drive myself crazy thinking all of these things, which for the most part are just in my head, I know he is alone in bed, just as I am.  I know he doesn't think of those things too, he chosen not to.  I don't blame him, I just wish I could be that secure with everything.  I never was.  And sadly, I probably never will be.  I would love to have that quality.  As I am writing this now, we are on Y messenger, nothing has been said between us for about 15 minutes or so, but it's ok, just knowing he is there is a comfort to me. We have been through much together, this is just another speed bump in our journey.  I am counting the days until I get to see him, to touch him, just to know he is real,  it just seems so far away.  I can't bear it some days, I just want to scream. Sometimes I think I am screaming, just that no one can hear me.  Maybe I am, on the inside.  I want to blame all of this on myself, this whole ordeal, he wouldn't have leave if it wasn't for me, me and my stupidity.  Trying to get someone jealous never works girls, trust me, it never works.  My heart will remain forever his, now what I have to do is see how long it takes for him to come home and reclaim it.

The waiting game

It all boils down to waiting.....waiting for him to come online for an hour for a precious chat or maybe a peek on webcam, or waiting for the right time to call.  It is all about waiting.  Today I waited with my phone, anxious for the sound of an incoming IM, the sound never came.  This is typical, we can go a week without talking, it is nothing new, it doesn't mean that I like it.  In fact, I hate it.  When you are so far apart, some times, you can't help but think negatively, that he is with someone else, when probably he isn't.  That is one thing that we have always been honest about, if someone is seeing another person.  He hasn't for a long time, actually since long before he left.  Me on the other hand, well, I hate the loneliness.  This is the first time that I have actually admitted that.  There was a time about 3 years ago that we were in limbo, were we going to be together or not, we both were dating other people, I know, it is dumb.  I started dating P, why, well, mostly to hopefully get Isaac to wake up.  I wanted him to see I was the one he was supposed to be with.  That backfired miserably.  He said he wished I didn't date him, which I should have taken as a cue and that was it.  I dated P anyhow, I guess I figured Isaac would plead with me to not see anyone else.  It is a just a long drawn out story, it didn't end well for either of us.  Isaac wound up deciding to leave and I hurt P in the long run.  And I still wound up alone.  We have decided recently that we are in fact going to be together when he comes back home, yes, this is his home, not Ecuador anymore, not in my eyes.  It will still be awhile, he is not well right now, so figure another 8-10 months before he can travel.  And in the mean time a lot is on my shoulders, I need to find us a house, I have to plan a life, and when the time gets closer, a wedding.  I never thought I could miss someone so much.  I have started listening to some of the music he likes, in a way it makes me feel close to him.  Some of the song are hauntingly beautiful and I tear up, thinking he is singing to me.  Soon he will be.  He is an amazing guitar player and he does sing to me.  He sings love songs in Spanish, I still can remember the first time he did like it was yesterday.  When I met him I was in such a dark sad place.  I was pregnant and all alone, he was like a knight in shining armor, he still is to me.  He made that one of the best times of my life.  He treated me like a china  doll, was afraid to let me do anything, it was so cute.  No one had ever treated me like that before, and no one has since.  He shares my love of tattoos and encourages me to get them, everyone has always tried to discourage me, not him, he wants me to be myself.  I never had to put up a front, and I could tell him anything without fear of being judged.  Yes, I have friends like that now, but not like him, no matter what it is, how silly, or how bad.  I know, I am making him out to sound like some God, he's not, he is just a great man that I am very lucky to have in my life.  He is my best friend, my soul mate, my missing puzzle piece.

NJ to Ecuador

Why do we do the things we do?  Why do we fall in love with the person we are with?  Why does a chance meeting sometimes change the path of your life forever?  I ask myself these things often lately.  I think the one question that I will never be able to answer is why do I stick around?  Honestly, some days I don't know why I stick around.  Before I get to that, let me introduce myself, my name is Darlene, I live in NJ, I have 3 kids, I am a full time student and I am stuck on someone.  His name is Isaac, right now he is in Ecuador, this is his native country, we met while he was living in NJ, many years ago.  I loved him from the moment I met him, and even though the paths in our lives have gone to different places, he is still the love of my life, my soul mate and my best friend.  My youngest son is his, more or less, he is not the biological father, but he might as well be.  He has been there since I was 4 months pregnant, was there when the baby was born, the only father he knows, the only man who deserves to have such an amazing little boy.  My boy calls him Papa Bear.  His biological father wants nothing to do with him, which is fine with me, he does not deserve to be in his life.  When he is older he will know the truth, but this is fine for now.  Why Isaac left is another story for another blog.....since he has been gone, we have never been closer and our love has never been stronger.  We have a silent understanding that if either of us wants to date someone, we will, but we also know that when he comes back at the end of the year, we will be together.  Oh I am sure some of you are shaking your heads on this one and I get it, it is just how we are.  He gets me and I get him, it is perfect this way.  This is just my ploy to keep you coming back to read more :) Input from others who have had long distance love is welcome also, I hope you enjoy this little peek into my world and my heart.

Darlene